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Consider This a 911 How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. Civilization is a thin veneer. Speed and technology, comfort and security, are no more than iron-on patches for places it’s rubbed clean through. Temporary fixes. In those tortured spots, lacerated and threadbare, mayhem erupts. From Kilarney to Colrain. From Gaza to the Green River. Between the suicide bomber and the obscene graffiti artist, it’s just a matter of degree. Let me count the ways. I hate you because you epidermis contains more melanin than mine. To some this might be splitting hairs. But to me, melanin content is everything. The early economic system of the country was built upon it! A bloody civil war was fought over it. It must be important! This chemical establishes who I am. Melanin; plain and simple, is me. Regarding melanin, I stand upon this minimalist principle: more is less. To be consistent, I stand upon the same principle regarding intelligence and do my utmost to avoid filling my head with anything that might cause it to think. So far I’ve been absolutely successful. Let me count the ways. I hate you because your genitals do not resemble mine. This goes back a long way. And we have the benefit of scripture to bolster my position. At one moment the welfare of the entire human race hinged upon the decision of one woman. To obey, or not to obey, this was the question. You know what Eve did --the rest is history. And you’re also aware of where it’s gotten us (unless you’re one of those who waste their lives measuring melanin). Not a pretty picture, especially if you count war, rape, and environmental degradation. Of course there was a man there at the time too--what was his name? But, as in all domestic disputes, it was her fault. Let me count the ways. I hate you because the content of your book of guiding principles is completely off the wall and your manner of worship is, well... strange. How can you believe those things. Were you born yesterday? It goes without saying that my god is better than your god, so why argue? Hmmm.... why are we arguing anyway? Let me count the ways. I hate you because
you love someone of the same sex more than you love someone of
the opposite sex. Exclusively, even. To the point of passionate,
lifelong commitment. Like marriage. This is bad. It’s certainly
a violation of natural law. Love is not something to be messed
with like this. Love has rules, like spin the bottle. Ask any
church leader like Jimmy Baker or Jimmy Swaggert. They’ll
tell you that a single-minded, lusty indulgence with the opposite
sex can do wonders for your spiritual quest and reputation. Frankly,
imagining tenderness shared with someone of my own sex is more
than I can bare. I don’t understand it. And, not possessing
a strong sense of myself, I hate anything I don’t understand.
So, I hate you. Can I make it any simpler? Tonight I’ll
take a few cans of spray paint and unload on the road in front
of your house. In being so underhanded, maybe I’ll finally
get it across to you and other members of the community how truly
empty I am. I hate you because, while you embrace life, I’m as vacant as an old motel on a road to nowhere in the middle of North Dakota. Consider this a 911. |